Originally posted on July 20, 2011
I think back to when I was young and how I came to have same sex attraction. I have found that if you think back to your childhood, you will find the answers to why you become homosexual. This may not be the case for some but it would not hurt to as least explore some things from our past.
I know this is not easy for most people with horrific childhood past, but if you can get past the hurt and pain, you can then see that homosexuality is just a symptom of a bigger issue.
I have found through my own self evaluation that once I was able to get past the pain, I knew exactly why I became a lesbian. I didn't come up with one problem in my childhood that stood out but many things.
For me, my mother did not like for me to show her affection or tell her "I love you" in public. She grew frustrated and embarrassed with my outward love for her and she shut me up. She told me this story when I was old enough to understand and as a child, I'm sure it affected me though I did not know at the time. But when I was older, it came to me that I could never measure up to her and she did not want me to show her love.
My parents were not faithful to one another. I saw this growing up and though it was a secret and no one spoke about it, I knew what was going on. My father's girlfriend kicked him out. He came to live back with us, and he had a nervous breakdown. He literally tried to kill myself and my brother with the biggest kitchen knife he could find. I was wounded twice when trying to protect my brother during the incident. (Incidentally, the same neighbor that raped me in my parent's home years before, was the one who called the police when I ran out for help). Though our family went to counseling for years to repair the damage, I know that affected me as well.
I was exposed to pornography when my father left some magazines hidden in a hallway closet. I found myself looking at them and being exposed to adult things that were not appropriate. I found myself wanting to be fulfilled sexually because of what I saw in the magazines.
I had experiences with extended family members and family friends that were more touching than anything but caused me to crave attention from females.
Though my mother did not want me to show her any attention nor did she towards me, she made sure that no other female would. She would literally bar people- mainly women who showed me any attention from my life. One incident was when I had my son, she wanted her good friend to be the godmother and so I agreed. But I did not know, once my son's godmother was a real supporter of me by buying us computers, gifts and a shoulder to lean on, this would cause jealously from my mother. I am not sure what my mother told her but she stopped all contact with me and ignored me completely. When I asked my mother what was going on with her, she only stated she had 'funny' ways. This was one of many instances where my mother would not let any female close to me. This I know contributed to my attraction to women because I was totally isolated from her in a loving mother-daughter way and barred from others.
Now I know I have more stories from my childhood that affected me where I sought out for attention and affection through women. But can you see that all of those things may cause sexual identity issues, communication issues, depression, isolation, low self esteem and more? And all of the above did so in my case. Those were the issues that were much bigger than the symptom of homosexuality for me. Many times, but not all, homosexuality is bred by some issue in our childhoods that triggered this desire to be loved by the same sex. This is a very common issue and more people than we realize suffer from it. We were definitely not born gay.
When I gave my life to Christ and was delivered from homosexuality, it took me years later to start questioning why I 'become' gay? Now this is my story, but what is yours? Did you have any underlining childhood experiences that you can say now probably caused some insecurities in you? Did you lack the attention from your mother or father? Was there a tragic incident that happened to you that could have triggered same sex attraction in your life?
This could be true for anyone. My point in all of this is: we all have experienced some trouble and disappointments in our lives and possibly as a child. When we reach a point where we can start talking or dealing with those issues, I am very sure we can see why some of us lived the lives we did.
The awesome thing about it all is: God loves us and if we trust Him to help us get through the pain and analyze what we have been through in life, we can heal and most importantly, live as He intended and help someone else. He wants us whole and homosexuality is just one symptom of a much bigger issue or issues. It doesn't matter what we have done, God can take it and turn it around for our good.
If you are struggling with homosexuality and want a way out, don't believe the negative hype. You CAN be delivered from being gay, God will do it for you as you come to Him with a open and humble heart. Please visit us True Ex-Gay Talk page to request an appointment to speak with T. Marie.
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