Break The Bondage of a Sexual Abuser [PART 2]

Break The Bondage of a Sexual Abuser [PART 2]

This is part 2 from Break The Bondage of a Sexual Abuser. 

So, in Part 1, I ended with my talk about how I was sexually abuse by my next door neighbor and how he would taunt me and I was getting fed up with it. Well, the last time I saw this person, I was completely fed up. I was in a homosexual relationship at the time and seeing him really threw me a loop once again. I remember rage rising up in me and I was tired of the constant reminder of what happened to be as a pre-teen.

So it was probably a few months later that I made the decision to confront him. His parents still lived in the same house next to my mother where I grew up. Though he was an adult as well, he would visit them often and I was hoping that he would be there on this particular day. I was ready to confront this demon that haunted me my whole childhood.

I drove up to the house and low and behold his car was there and he was outside washing his car. So, I got out of my car, walked over to him. He had some grin on his face and greeted me as if he did not understand why I was walking up to him. I had never stepped foot in that house after what happened to me so he knew something was wrong. I just belted it out and told him I was tired of him. I told him that he stole my innocence and bragged to our neighborhood friends that he did it in my face. I told him he had the nerve to tell everyone that 'I liked it' and joked about me wearing a training bra. I told him I was no longer afraid of him but tired of seeing his face. He tried to play it off with a chuckle but when he looked into my eyes, he knew I was serious. I pretty much told him I was tired of his smug look and he no longer had control over me. He was shocked because he knew me as a quiet and shy girl but I was no longer that little girl. I was a woman. I had FINALLY confronted the demon that seemed to taunt me forever and, frankly, it felt really good. I was actually liberated and free from the bondage of my sexual abuser.

Needless to say, I was pretty loud when I spoke to him in front of his house and he was astounded and embarrassed. When I turned to leave, his mother came outside and she wanted to know what was going on. I remember now turning back around right before he answered her saying: "Ask him". Then I got back into my car and drove away. I never saw him again.

Later, I wrote his mother a letter telling her that her son was a sexual predator and what he did to me. I never heard back about anything but my mother told me his mother tried explaining that her son has always been a good boy. Yeah... right!!

Though I didn't live with my mother anymore, I knew if I saw him again I would never be in bondage again because at that pivotal moment in my life, I was ready to take back my innocence, my dignity and my self respect. I just wish I could have been able to do it earlier but God's knows just when I should have done it, so I know I was in His Will and His plan.

I wanted to share this very private part of my life because there are many other people who have been sexually abused who lose the innocence of their childhood. When someone is molested or raped, the thought and effect from it is everlasting. I know, for me, it affected me greatly and I am sure it contributed to me feelings for the same sex at an early age. I know it caused me problems communicating, interacting with people and even in my relationships. It caused a block in my life in so many ways that I was never really happy for so, so long. I did not feel pretty or loved because when you are molested or raped, you don't feel loved- just taken advantage of.

So I am free today from that bondage and its been 13 years. I pray that this encourages someone who is reading this and wants to break the bondage of a sexual abuser. I realize that it may not be possible for everyone to confront their abuser, but at least confronting the issue in some way will be helpful and very beneficial for your emotional, psychological and physical health.

Please don't let anyone who has 'violated' you get the victory. As long as you have moved on and have dealt with this, you are fine. Remember you are beautiful in God's eyes and deserving to find true love, be loved and live a prosperous life. Don't let what one person tried to take from you keep you from being happy. Trust me, they have or will pay for their actions. God takes care of our enemies. Stand up bold and be all God called you to be because He loves you and will take care of you. The abuse of a sexual predator is very unfortunate for any of us but forgiveness is the key. I was not able to forgive until I faced it. I never said the words ' I forgive him' but after confronting it, I was released from my past pain. God healed me from that pain I never could have faced without him.

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Break The Bondage of a Sexual Abuser [PART 1]

Break The Bondage of A Sexual Abuser

WARNING: This story may be very disturbing. Please read with caution

I have decided this subject needs to be touched upon. Not everyone can tackle these issues but I want to welcome anyone who has experienced the painful struggle that victims of sexual abuse have endured and still do as adults, to hear me out on this. I am speaking to anyone- man, woman, boy or girl- You can get through your sexual abuse from childhood or as an adult. God can help you through it.

I would like to use my own experience to show that sexual abuse can fester in our minds and throughout our bodies if we don't know how to deal with it. Now, I am not stating this is easy to do. I know how long it took me into slavery for many, many years and diseased my inner core. I know what the bondage feels like and how it torments you everyday of your life.

I was only 10 years old when I was raped by my next door neighbor who was 5 years older than me at the time. He was always winking and talking dirty to me when no one was around but I would ignore him. He would literally watch out like a predator for when my mother would leave for work. This is when he would come knocking at my bedroom window which was facing their driveway or he would come to the back door knocking to get in. 

Well, one day soon after my mother left for work, he came to the back door wanting a glass of water. I remember telling him that he should go home and get some water. I'd leave the room and he'd continue to knock. He claimed he was locked out of his house and just wanted a small cup of water. Against my best judgement, I fell for his trick and unlocked the door and handed him the paper cup of water. Instead of drinking the water, he threw it down and came after me. While I struggled to get away from him in the kitchen, he grabbed me and ultimately had his way. 

I remember it didn't last but a few minutes because he did not know my father was on his way back home. We heard my father pull up in front of the house and he ran around to the windows to see if he could see which way he was going to come into the house. Once he realized that my father was walking through the drive way, he made his way out of the house through the front door. But before he left, he made it very clear that if I told anyone, he'd kill me.

So I remember fixing my clothes and trying to act as normal as possible when my father came into the house. I must mention that all of this happened with my little brother in the living room.

As I was afraid to tell my father what happened, I remember just letting it go. I can't quite remember what I was feeling at the time but something changed inside me. I started having visions of the rape and I felt dirty and unattractive. I remember how all of the kids in the neighborhood would hang out near the house and talk. I will never forget how he would look at me like he stole something from me and no one would ever know because he reminded me he would kill me if I told it. Can you imagine living next door to a rapist until I was an adult? 

So for years, he would give me the 'eye' to let me know he had control over me; he took my virginity and no one would ever find out because he knew I was afraid of him. As I became a teen and dated boys, he would question me about them and threaten to tell my mother about them coming by when she wasn't home. He literally hassled me about guys I dated like he had so much control over my life. I would snap back at him and tell him to mind his own business.

As time went on, I eventually gave birth to my son and moved out a few years later. I remember I felt like he was stalking or haunting me at times. Many times I would be in town and would see him with his girlfriend and he'd give me 'the look' and even his girlfriend thought we were going out or something. If only she knew he was my childhood rapist who won't let me forget he stole my innocence from me. 

There was one last time when I saw him before I decided to deal with this once and for all in my twenties. This would be the last time he'd keep me in bondage.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of  "Break The Bondage of a Sexual Abuser [PART 1]"

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