Saturday, January 21, 2012

Can You Confront Childhood Pain From the Past For Healing Today?

 Can You Confront Childhood Pain From the Past For Healing Today?

I have just recently confronted some past family issues. I have always been very transparent with my readers and that I feel is the key to allowing others to do the same. I've learned over the years that sharing our hurts, pains and disappointments with others, not only helps someone else but it helps the confessor.

I am finding myself having to deal with an issue I promised myself I would not ignore but face the best way possible.

Growing up in a middle class family household in California, was the life my family led for all to see. My parents had good jobs and my brother and I attended Catholic schools. To the average person, people thought we were the ideal family. I remember being teased a lot because my peers thought I had too much. But they didn't know the truth behind all they thought glittered was not gold.

You see, I had my grandmother's spirit. My father's mother was a simple and warm spirited woman. She would not be moved by fancy things and money. Her love was all everyone ever wanted because it was priceless. She and I favored in resemblance and I was inclined to think I was her favorite grandchild over 20 others. Her spirit today lives on in me because she showed me love I was getting at home.

So as you can see, this lifestyle people thought I had, was not me. All of it was a facade. Beneath the well dressed and well mannered children, my brother and I suffered greatly within a dysfunctional family. I always knew my parents worked hard to give us a better life and that they loved us but there were problems that we could have never imaged would happen. I won't get into everything I went through because I will save it for my book one day but if you have read my testimony, you'd know that both of my parents were unfaithful to one another and my father suffered a nervous breakdown that resulted in a murder attempt against my brother and I.

The unfaithful part in my parents marriage is what I am dealing with even today. It's not as if I can't get over what I saw growing up but it is the pain of now knowing I could have not been my father's child. There was no doubt on my end because my mother never let me forget I resembled 'his side of the family'. The issue today is after speaking with my father, he confided in me that not only was my brother a questionable child but I, their first born was too. This was a huge blow to me. Unfortunately, everyone around us questioned whether my younger brother was the 'milkman's baby' or not. I never understood that exactly growing up, except that the black family made it their business to equate lighter skin complexions with other races of people. All I can remember is knowing my mother was pregnant with my brother when I was six and she and I would drive to 'the city' (San Francisco) and visit a man in his garage while his wife was in church. So, even though we did not speak about it, she was creeping and tagged me along with her with child in belly.

But just recently, when I asked my father about the still born child she told me she had before me, he stated he did not know anything about that. He only told me that I was a questionable child too. This I never knew nor fathomed the thought that I was not supposed to be my father's child. It clearly explains partly why she had a distant kind of motherly love and criticized me so. It became clear then why we always seemed to have a wedge between our relationship as mother and daughter. It also explains why my father's side of the family and my mother seemed to despise one another. I know now they knew she was creeping for a long, long time which ultimately resulted in my father's infidelity as well.

Today I am only sharing this because the person I want to talk to about this is not open to discuss it. My mother will not discuss her past indiscretions with me even though many things other than this caused my insecurities and vulnerabilities in life. As a grown woman with an adult son, I have had to deal with my issues like anyone else. But as we all get older, we sometimes want to confront and deal with even really old family issues. It's all about healing and we should never stop wanting to feel whole and allowing God to move us forward in life.

Fortunately, I realize that healing is my road to more peace and contentment with my Lord Jesus Christ. He wants me to confront my issues from the past so I can do a better work for Him and His kingdom. If I hold onto guilt, pain and hurt, then I am only blocking my blessing as well as blocking someone else to blessed through my life or story. Even though I am open to talk about this with my mother one day, it is o.k. if we never discuss it. I know today that her indiscretions before or after I was born was not my problem. I don't own it. It was her issues and I am quite sure as a saved woman today, she has suffered from her decisions just as I have from my own life. I hold no contentment against her because I do honor her as my mother. God only requires me to love my parents and allow Him to heal me by at least confessing what has hurt me from the past.

Sometimes we don't want to go down that old and hurtful path from childhood because it brings up too much past pain but we have to admit that keeping it in and never dealing with it, is the reason why we may be dealing with same sex attraction and homosexual feelings or other unresolved issues. I have been determined throughout the years to face and confront my issues. I was taught by my mother to stand and move on and almost encouraged not to deal with my feelings. Well, those days are long gone and though I know she may have meant well then, it has always been my best practice to work out my emotions with God's help.

Thanks for allowing me to share some really personal things in my life. I desire to share it because I want to see others confront their issues and not go to the grave, so to speak, with unresolved pain that God can heal us from.

Is there some issues you need to confront? Can you believe that God will give you the strength to move on stronger, better and more faith filled than ever?

"I can do ALL things are through him who strengthens me"-(Philippians 4:13)

God bless!


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