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Originally published on July 7, 2011
I speak to many people who question ex-homosexuality and if they will live as a homosexual for life. Well, of course some of these people are just dead against being anything opposite of their gay life. I cry a bit on the inside every time I hear this because I was there. I loved God but just didn't see what else there was for me. But for me I was shy. I lived as a lesbian but I didn't want everyone to know it. I didn't want to show affection to the person I was with in public. I truly had some shame in being a homosexual. I know now that it wasn't really my true life's destiny.
I realized years later that I only wanted to be with a woman because I had decided I was done with men. I was only 22 years old and had a nearly 2 year old son. The relationship with his father was rocky and we ultimately broke up at that time. It was like something came over me and I wanted to try meeting women but knew the attraction to them was there from a child. I remember feeling like I was seeking revenge on men who had hurt me.
I had a friend who was not gay (go figure) but would go to gay clubs with a women and her friends just to hear the 'house music'. This friend of mine knew I had feelings for women years before as I concealed and fought against them as I dated boys in high school. She was the only woman I could confide in about my feelings who never judged me and I trusted her. Well, long story short, I started going out with them to these clubs and that's when my life as a bisexual woman started and then exclusively living as a lesbian.
I met a few women and really wanted a serious relationship with one of them. I wasn't the player type. That's never been my thing. I was seeking love and I was for sure I'd get it from a woman. But true love never came the way I thought. There were fights and arguments I had never experienced and I never knew women could act like this toward one another. But this is what two broken people do.
Anyway, my dreams of being gay for life seemed strange but I still had these feelings I was dealing with. Ultimately, I lived as a lesbian for 7 years but life was not very good. I was not fulfilled and I was just breathing.
What I am saying is this: In life many of us have same sex attraction and some of us act it out which is homosexuality. We are seeking something that we never had or to fill a big hole in our spirits from possibly childhood abuse, neglect or many others elements. Just when we open our spirits up to seeking relations with the same sex, we think in our minds "This is it. I'm gay for life." But many times this is just a way to medicate the pain we have not dealt with.
For me, I was hurt by my son's father whom I had a long term relationship. In the back of my mind, I knew he was not serious enough for me but I dealt with the lies and cheating because I wanted someone in my life. So when that didn't work out, I needed something, someone to love me and I was sure a woman could do that. But Satan was setting a trap for me and I fell right in. And trust me, I suffered on the inside for years until I surrendered to God's word.
Many gays and lesbians are broken people with broken spirits seeking love and many times in the wrong places. When we find that homosexuality seems to fulfill our physical desires and makes us think we are spiritually fulfilled, we are instantly fooled by the enemy. But no one ever told us before we dove in that it would only last for a while. No one told us that the same sex can't possibly fulfill us because it is not God's ordination. The feelings only last for so long and for many gays, it becomes a terror.
No one promised us being gay was for life. We may have wanted it but it was just a feeling not a believing. Being gay is less emotional than some think. Its really purely physical and the emotional part is usually tied into filling up that gaping hole.
So if you are struggling with whether you think being gay is life's destiny for you, look a bit deeper. I guarantee you, something will stick out and make you question it. God's waiting to get you back on track with Him. He did it for me and many others, he surely can do it for anyone who loves Him enough to surrender.
If you are struggling with homosexuality and want a way out, don't believe the negative hype. You CAN be delivered from being gay, God will do it for you as you come to Him with a open and humble heart. Please visit us True Ex-Gay Talk page to request an appointment to speak with T. Marie.
